A Youth Ministers Lesson
When I was 12 the youth minister invited me to his house for a sleep over. Looking back on this I can’t believe that my parents allowed it, or even thought it was a good idea.
I was not a popular kid by any means. I was made fun of horribly and my home life was not much better. So when some one of authority, asked me of all people to hang out I was thrilled.
He was the cool pastor, he had a cool car with an amazing stereo, had all the best music and was very popular with the young girls. He was everything I thought that I wanted to be when I grew up.
When he picked me up we sped down this back road to get to his house, I won’t ever forget how fast we were going and how loud the music was. In short it was daring and fun! I felt like such a grown up.
When we got to his house we listened to music and hung out until late at night.
That’s when the conversation took a turn, we started talking about porn and jerking off. Such an adult conversation. I had started jerking off at this point and it was my dark secret so to have an adult, a cool one at that, tell me it was something he did to was amazing! He told me about lube and techniques that I could try to make it feel better.
He then brought out his laptop and we started watching porn. We “both” decided that we enjoyed looking at the guys more because it’s what we “wanted to look like one day.” Next we started watching porn that only had guys in it.
This is the part that I struggled with, because it seemed, to me, I was a willing participant in what was happening. So well into my future I thought the happenings that night were my fault. Even though he was the adult steering the conversation.
I lost my virginity to that music minister, when I was only 12.
I fell in love. I had impressed an authority figure. I was about to fit in.
What hurt me the most is that none of those things would happened. Starting almost immediately, he started avoiding me. He actively pushed me out of the youth groups, not officially but I would find out he organized activities and my brother and I were not invited. I must have done something wrong. “I” was at fault.
I soon started using sex as a way to gain acceptance, to fit in. When I got to high school, I became active in community theater, and I met some older gay friends, and started having regular sex with them. I did this because I wanted to fit in, be part of something.
I soon ran away to New Orleans to start over and I met my ex, my first sir, who during our 1st time having sex invited me to hit a meth pipe. This became (Obviously) a very toxic relationship.
To maintain his affection, he supplied me with drugs and pimped me out.
I was eventually able to escape that relationship, but not the damage that it along with my adult lovers from my childhood had placed on my mental health.
During my 20s I continued to use sex to achieve a goal. The problem is that goal soon lost its structure and I no longer knew what that goal was. It also fueled my depression, which I cured by drinking.
I’m now in my 30s and trying to face my demons, and it’s a hard understanding to realize that my demons go back as far as 20 years.
I lost good friends and great partners, because I did not know how to separate sex, love, friendship and booze.
Further more I found out about 4 years ago, that the minister is still praying on young children. I did nothing to stop it. I still struggle with that decision.
I still can’t listen to loud music outside of bars as it reminds me of that minister and our car rides. I guess the ghost of our past never leave us. But at least with sobriety, I have been given the opportunity to face my demons, recognize them for what they are, and protect my self from future destructive behavior.